So quiet. This porch.
Save the distant barking of a distressed dog and an occasional tweet of the natural kind – not electronic twitching of opinions, this time brings me such peace. After a long and confusing week, I find sitting here … now … nicely nice. There are a few visually annoying sight lines avoided by simply closing my eyes. Even the smell of grass – cut earlier by a fine crew of hard working young men – still has that fresh smell of greenness attached to the air casually blowing under my nose.
Yes, this is really nice now. Now is a nice place to be. How wonderful is at the moment?
Here, now, is all we have. It is said too often, but not appreciated enough, that we have only moments to live our lives. The hours and days only exist on the canvas because the minutes prop them up on the easel. One stroke at a time, using beautiful blues, reds, and yellows of curiosity and grace, we paint what others see in us. And it renews – over and over again – when we value now.
Simple traffic noise in the near, distant space is far enough away to filter through the few trees between us. It is a mere swaddled sound as it reaches my ears.
The distressed barking has stopped for the moment. Something, or someone has calmed the canine concern. Birds continue their songs in the trees, however, as I expect they should. Nested little ones need to eat, husbands and wives must communicate, and predator warnings are necessary. These are neighborhood nows that continue forward without the recognition of self-reflection …as I sit in a recliner on this shady, comfortable porch. They move their miracles forward, regardless. I am simply another brush of color on their palate of life.
So many shapes and sizes around. I can close my eyes and see a variety of not only physical beings, but also ideas as well. From big and tall notions changing the world – like vaccines for pandemic viruses – to small proposals such as smiles, hugs, and handshakes. Both are connections to the world outside ourselves and so important to the now we are experiencing together.
I have little to taste now except for the Arby’s roast beef sitting casually by my side. In all likelihood, it is less fresh than it was a few minutes ago when I first entertained the idea of sliding it over my lips. Fortunately, one was already consumed prior, so this second sandwich is not a tragedy. The diet Pepsi is flat, unfortunately, so I am slightly disappointed in my beverage choice. Humidity is less drippy compared to days past and I get the impression folks around these parts are settling into a late summer / early-August routine.
This is now. Now is Covid-19, masking, the last day in July of a ridiculously crazy, little over three months from an election, out of one’s mind, take a deep breath, … 2020.
We have to keep our senses about us, right? I have mine. Today is all about what I see, hear, smell, taste, and … can say to you.
Enjoy the now. You are special. The now is here for you to have, hold, and cherish. Pull up a chair next to me on my porch.
It’s quiet.
Category: Grateful
What In Carnation!
We ain’t in River City and I certainly ain’t Harold, but we got trouble … right here. With a capital “T”. Granted, I don’t own the rights to the song or the musical itself (disclaimer out of the way), however, permission to use every synonym associated with the 18th century word tarnation is hereby assigned. Trouble, as well sung in the musical as it is, isn’t close to filling the lead role, although it is in the supporting cast of synonymous players.
Shall I begin with censure, criticism, or denunciation? Perhaps castigation is best? Maybe bewilderment or anger best describes your mood when tarnating someone – if that’s even a thing. Two centuries ago, damnation – the origin of this word under examination – meant an eternity of fire and misery. Today? Just two weeks in isolation with someone who won’t shut up about their position opposite yours on masking, politics, or salt on fruit.
I settled on “Oh, pfft … what the … dagnabit … What in carnation!” when I spied what I spied.
Walking out of a big box store the other morning, what do I see? …
One solitary stem-a-sight-a-licious on the hot pavement. Who in tarnation leaves one beautiful red flower behind and drives off? “Who?” I write. WHO? What in carnation is this world coming to?
Certainly … hopefully … this act of abandoning wasn’t intentional (for to leave such a beauty behind on purpose would be upsetting to even the least of the forbearing, floral gods). Imagined said customer in all likelihood possessed a bouquet of bounteous beauties and was in too much of a hurry to arrive at his/her next port of call. Out of hands this one dropped gently to the ground.
Perhaps even more romantic is the notion of one noticing my slightly greasy, flavorful white Ford van with cart in tow exhaustively exhaling next to gravel-stricken yellow painted lines on over-heated pavement. I being not the only one exiting my vehicle overheated at the notion of masking once again to enter another store once again … this time to momentarily pass an underpaid nice young security lady at the door handing out single-use masks and sanitizer wipes to those so inclined to receive these gifts of Covid-19 invisibility. I declined with whispers behind my cute cloth Dalmatian mask. Back to my fantasy…
One saw this scent-of-a-van and, upon my absence, placed one fine flower next to it as one would gently settle a rose on the casket of a lost loved lover. Thinking, “Oh, I must meet this person to whom this vehicle belongs. I see a sign on the cart, ‘Doug’s Dawgs’ … He must, must be inside. I shall not wait because I am in a hurry. Maybe some day … someday…”, my imaginary friend walked away leaving only a lonely stemmed memory behind.
There was space in my life for a 10 inches long gift to present itself at my feet. Where it came from is known: a big box store full of masked, slightly confused, doing the best-we-can, cart pushing, life-getting through extended neighbors of mine. How it arrived? This is a mystery I am entirely comfortable not knowing. For someone like me who needs to ask why? and have an answer all the freakin’ time, this is off my-OCD game a bit … however, knowing I’ll never be close to the truth, I can let it go.
We still have trouble my friends. Right here in (any) city, don’t we! Ugh. That very day, I ambled out of the store with a cart full of goods not knowing – until hours later – that the very item I went in to buy was missing. I simply forgot to buy it … and needed it for my business. The day before some of my product spoiled without any chance of replacing … and had a large order including that product I couldn’t fulfill. I’ve dropped customers orders on the ground this week, handed out wrong change/under-charged folks, made wrong sandwiches with incorrect toppings, and … my back hurts more than normal. It’s been a week.
What in Carnation is happening! We’ve been asking this since Mid-March, right? All of us.
This flower is currently on the dashboard of my overcrowded van. It rests in an overworked, reliable, friendly automobile as a reminder to those – including me – who don’t take enough time to do the same during these troubling times. At some settled time, this flower will fade out and lose color, but not its significance. The consequence of seeing it lay at my feet that day does not dim with the passage of time, however, as each opportunity to be happy in the midst of trouble is a flower in and of itself.
We’re going to be at this virus-thing for a while, it seems. I’m no doctor, although I could be, in some imaginary t.v. afternoon soap opera universe, be ascribed the moniker “Dr. Doug” (but, I digress …), so, try to find a small flower at your feet that a stranger leaves for you. A smile. Spare change for a free cup of coffee. A $5 lottery ticket. Time away for a few minutes you wouldn’t normally get. I don’t know what it’ll be. Only the perky little parking lots in life will be able to provide the answers for you. There’s something out there that will make perfect scents for you, I’m sure.
I am willing to keep looking myself. On stage with Harold Hill I’m not. Just a simple guy with simple ideas tripping over little flowers left behind by who-knows bodies. I am aware that I must continue forward living life the best I know how in the midst of this goofy time – as all of us must. Covid be damned … err … Darnation, anyway!
Specifically, I am looking forward to change – especially the correct amount in return to my customers as I hand over the proper sandwiches with the exact toppings ordered, not dropped on the ground (which I wouldn’t serve anyway, just to clarify), and all without grimacing and moaning quietly behind my face covering due to my achy-breaky back. That is, if I remembered to pick up what I needed in the first place.
Back to the store again sometime soon. Say, “Hi!” if you see me there. I’ll be the one handing out invisible carnations disguised as a smile behind my mask. We’re all on stage together. It certainly isn’t River City, but it’s home.
Find your flowers.
Words of a Feather
More than one happily danced on the sidewalk the other morning when I went to work. Back home hours later, I saw this single feather look up at me without any hope of returning to normal. It seemed lost. Although detached from a gracious host hours – possibly days – earlier, familiarity among its peers that morning must have provided some hope. Now? Alone on a sidewalk.
Where did the other friends go? One can guess with the wind. This would be a logical assumption as much needed rain has been pushing through the area lately … and with it, breezy heat-relieving cooling sensations. Today, light rain continues. It is another early morning quiet and that beautiful feather has been tickling my imagination since I carefully stepped over it yesterday.
Words of a feather … stuck together in my mind since that chance meeting. Why now? Why this small, almost weightless object before my eyes on a semi-hot, light breezy day in July?
It is a symbol of things. What else could it be? A representation, a reflection, a return. A “What R we trying to get back to in the midst of all this confusion?” kind of thing.
This feather, alone, with very little guidance save the occasional kind puff of freshness passing by to urge it forward. A breath of fresh air that will, most assuredly, not return it to the very similar looking friends nestled around from its youth. That innocence is gone as are all the familiar long-looking gray, black, and white ideas holding hands with it.
I do not know why this feather detached from its host. Perhaps tragedy or a simple act of nature? What I can gather from my amateur detective senses, is … it looked like a crime scene. Maybe a larger preditor – perhaps a neighborhood cat – was involved? I simply don’t know.
This is our story as well in 2020. We, simply, don’t know.
We are simple feathers.
This is a time we represent a separation from what we knew as normal. Our ordinary lives shed us like yesterday’s news and replaced moments with masks, unknown futures, and closed minds. We reflect back to a time when our friends friended us on Facebook without bias or preconceptions about race, gender, or religious beliefs. A return to normals like feeling comfortable in our favorite cafe or caring for a stranger by a gentle, “I’m here for you” hand on his shoulder is desired by many.
We R the simple feather now, representing our individual lives the best way we know how. Replacing old normals with new ones while trying to reflect recently matured views about how society should be … as birds of one United feather, we need to stick together. Gray, black, white and all colors in between. On all the sidewalks in every neighborhood … in every city, town, and borough.
My words are simply those … words. Predatory forces are out there willing to separate us from our friends and family, beliefs, ideals, and fantastic individual strengths. Stand strong with more than words – together, 6-feet apart if necessary – and live the new normals with renewed energy.
The early morning rain hasn’t dampened my spirit as I will head out to see if that special feather is still there. If so, picking it up to eventually place it among the reminder/knick-knacks at my desk is so much a possibility.
Possibilities are all we have, right? Remind yourself of them frequently. “Tickle your fancy” with an imaginary feather once in a while. And, if you’re lucky enough to find one at your feet during an early morning walk, remember: words of a feather stick together.
Chloe and Friends
This is Chloe. Ah Chloe, a little four-pawed, eight pound pug-beagle mix puppy and Dolly, an eleven month pure breed German shepherd live in my neighborhood. Dolly, of course, having slightly larger furry footies than Chloe … and the classic sloped back you’d expect to see coming down off her sleek brown and black back fur. Chloe is just a tiny little ball of energy, teeth, and grr-ness. Just enough to make anyone holding her jealous for more time – once returning her to the ever vigilant rightful owners across the way.
Two canine cuties finding their way around the neighborhood these days – such a welcome relief from the dreary life of literal lassitude we’ve been forced into lately. In a phrase, “puppies make personal spaces better”.
These two happy-enticing hounds have no real sense of their intrinsic value to us. Frolicking about, sniffing and barking, is of no consequence to them. In the moment they live – not worrying about tomorrow’s meal or playtime adventures to come. We are the ones who assign value to them.
There is no higher proof than hearing chit-chatter lexicon with a dog. I’ve witnessed so much effort in sentence structure and subject/verb agreement from sputtering dog non-whisperers to their canine consorts. Deep breaths are sucked in before lengthy, adjective-laden heaps of praise are thrust upon unsuspecting flappy ears having no concept of a dangling modifiers, clitics, or malaphors. We speak words to them they cannot understand because of the expectations we have for them.
I could be accused of such. Mind you, not to any large degree, but on the dial. So goes most of our relationships with nice, little to mid-sized puppies and dogs. Perhaps, if I can be so bold, older fur ball friends as well. For purposes of today, I’m interested only in dogs. No offense to cats, turtles, snakes, fish, gerbils, ferrets, rabbits, iguanas, birds, horses, goats, chickens, pigs, and swans. Pets are pets … I get that.
Their value is what we want them to be. We have expectations they’ll fill our happiness bucket – and they do.
For a seven-times expectation of years, these lap blankets and/or breathing floor rugs are expected to fetch not only the animate, overpriced toys, but also our priceless loneliness and need for companionship.
We need them now more than ever. Human shuffle-alongs are not – for the most part – stepping up and are waaaaay too judgmental these days. Any time spent on Facebook proves my point – perusing posts where spitting social diatribes from friends assault my daily wiener-grilling weary eyes. Three-dimensional conversations are better, but not much so. Letters to the editors, television commentaries, news briefs, on and on …. human to human contacts are becoming increasingly combative and expectantly virally centered. Not all, mind you; However, enough to warrant mention now more than before.
Meanwhile, Chloe chews on a stick. This is expected contentment, happiness, and companionship for some of us when we need it the most.
The “We’re in this together” mantra spreading faster than the virus has, by all ironic accounts, pulled us into our own isolation. Opinions about masking, especially, are driving deep divides into once common waters. “What is a mandate, and what isn’t?” followed by, “Who has the right to enforce it?”, both create waves of opposition as hammers wielded by holier-than-thou opinion whackers pound their theories into social seas of their expected injustices.
It seems there’s no filling a bucket with societal agreement … Even beyond that, I fear we have no clear idea what American ideals, equality, standards, morals, values, and ethics are anymore. Contentment, happiness, and companionship are foreigners … drifting in rough waters off the coast … waiting, once again, for entry into the forgotten Ellis Island of our once accepting land.
We need to stamp their ticket – and soon. Chloe, and her friends, would … without judgement or question. Without anger or retribution on Facebook.
She may even offer them a game of tug-of-war with her favorite stick while waiting in line. I’ve played this fun-frolic fantastic tug-a-long with her little self. After about 5 minutes, she’s done … and moves on to snarling a bit with the grass, or wriggling about around my legs. It’s happiness and companionship overload without any stress.
I walk across the street expecting no less. I may – just may – talk to her using goober words laced with high frequency baby inflections, but will never admit to such.
She has so much value to offer … as do all pets. In these ridiculously riled up times of high anxiety, a portable, possibly petable pet provides plenty of pleasure.
As for Chloe, in about an hour she’ll be out again to smell the newness of the day. Everything, to her, will be fresh, invigorating, and alive. I like that perspective and want some small piece of her life. So, saunter off I’ll go to brush my hands over her puppy fur once more to start my day – that is, if she’ll allow me the pleasure.
She will. Though, she does have a say in the matter. Hopefully I can meet her expectations as well. If her expectant tail wag is seen as I lazily scoot across our soon to be traveled, pre-work day neighborhood road, I’m sure I’ll be welcomed into her grr-ness once more.
Chairs With No Seats
Perchance you follow, with some regularity, my musings about a special local eatery. A quaint little hotel restaurant it is, comfortably situated at street level – but not the bottom level – of a building around for over a century. Around the corner on the downgrade is a small basement bar entrance ushering any weary patron into a welcoming cold brew of hometown hugs. It has been, by any normal morning measure, a standard in my life.
This morning, after two months of leery lock downs and patient toe-tapping anticipation, I entered this very familiar place expecting some sense of normal to return. Our color is green in western PA – which comes with a permission slip attached to every eateries’ sign. Flipped to “open” if so desired by the owner, these special signs now have added responsibilities behind them including proper distancing, masking, capacity restrictions, and server requirements. All part of a un-normal world I expected to see as I slowly turned the century old knob on the creaky door I’ve done hundreds of times.
Four folks sat, shall I uneasily say, “comfortably” on seats un-randomly distanced in the front room. Two sat on chair-stools permanently attached to the floor on support posts and the others in booths more than the required 6-feet apart. Of the old wooden seats at the counter upon which my grandparents most likely sat, two of every three were removed and the post tops covered with upside-down cups.
To recap, only four of the twelve normal seat spaces are currently usable, while eight remain cunningly-cupable and advisably unusable unless one needs an unplanned, sudden post-ectomy.
The spirit floating around the front four was understandably cautious. Not one, unfortunately, exhibited signs of a regular crazy person known as a close friend of mine. As normal mornings go, this was not to be. My close friends were nowhere to be seen, heard, or laughed at…
For purposes of being real, I will use initials, not aliases. M.J. won’t be back for a while due to some ongoing health issues requiring heightened caution – and he’s nuts. S.R. was absent for a bit even before the pandemic happened, so she was unexpected this morning – she’s a bit crazy, too. J.F. is always there and leaves precisely at 8:23 when his wife texts. I was there after that smoochy-text-time probably arrived if he indeed was there, so no chance of seeing him – he’s goofy as well. Me, being the only normal one of the group, suffered through this other group of four not-so-unknown group of strangers as I knew them all my name. These level 2 friends engaged my time at precisely 8:55 as a masked server and I waited for my to-go egg, ham, and cheese sandwich from the kitchen.
Staying power lasted through over two months of quarantine, but not through ten minutes at one of my favorite hotel restaurants. Go figure. Dale, Marcie, Barb, and Lance held my attention for scant minutes as I perused the same four walls I’ve seen for years. The pale egg-white painted walls upon which hung two large mirrors held my attention for mere seconds. Aged stainless reach-in coolers behind the counter supported reflections of the decades worn, story filled stuccoed ceiling. Random brochures scattered about, new Covid-19 customer guidelines taped strategically here and necessarily there, … space where space wasn’t before – all keeping my day-off eyes busy for the time.
The vacuous rear banquet room, now, social distanced inside with tables fearing to be close to one another as only one was occupied by four older gentlemen I’ve known for years. Normal they were. Generationally stubborn and unfazed by any and all hysteria as they dipped into breakfast fare as if the trolley and town crier were both still on schedule. Unmasked, fearing only the possibility of being overcharged, once again, for the two cups of coffee and toast ordered every day since retiring years ago … they soldiered on.
Ten in total by my math. A nice binary math number to round out my morning coming out of isolation/quarantine into green. Four front, four back, my server, and I. A nice normal number … so far from normal, otherwise.
This is to be expected, or so I’m told. This past weekend, I drove by many restaurants – big and small, mom and pop, corporate and franchise, drive up, seating in & out – that are open for business … under “green” restrictions, of course. Happy to be so, I’m sure. Customers and owners alike have been waiting what seems a big-bang’s length of time to fire up grills full-flame and, again, turn up the charm-a-plenty. Humans on both sides of serve-and-be-served are emotionally hungry for all of it …
I know some of this because I’m a foodie-vendor myself. Fifteen years this year I’ve been tonging my way around – towing a 10-foot food cart. It’s been an incredibly saucy, drippy, unpredictable past few months in the event-dependable, need-to-have-people-jammed-together, vendor space world that doesn’t exist right now. I’m finding my way around parking lots and corners trying my level best … and, speaking for myself, still loving the ride. Can’t pretend to ventriloquistically vociferate on behalf of my food friends elsewhere. They can write their own words during their own day off. It’s an absolutely beautiful Monday in June and I’m as close to normal as I can be right now.
Today’s weather feels normal. It is, by any normal June morning measure, a perfect day. I have been sitting on this porch writing as a few birds go about their business gathering food. Friends living in the house next door are swimming, and on the other side, different neighbors are sputtering along – attempting to befriend an old riding mower that doesn’t seem to be cooperating. Shade on my weary legs is perfect as it extends out just past the edge of my porch where the sunlight takes over.
This can be normal for me the rest of the summer. This can be my “green”. For purposes of an early breakfast at my favorite restaurant? I can’t yet answer, “my ‘once’ favorite morning restaurant.” Yes, close friends will not be there for some time. Yes, I may not return again until there is some feel of normal again … whenever that is. There are no answers right now.
Just sunshine, birds, and another day to appreciate.
Maybe this has to be all of our new normals for a while. Just be careful of the chairs with no seats.
Hometowns
Hollidaysburg, Pennsylvania
Hometowns.
They mean so much more to us now. Even if not surrounding some physically, these charming little – or, perhaps larger – neighborhood pieces of our lives still hold on to our memories. They must. This is their purpose.
It has been roughly a week since writing an entry on DougHugs. I’ve spent that time scooting about in my hometown … and nearby communities … practicing some necessary life skills for the uber-thousandth time: shopping, driving, paying bills, working, eating food handed to me from over-worked drive-thru food joints, and thinking. Lots of thinking.
Considering my way through the muck of this new reality has been a stuckiness problem. Maybe not for you lately, but for me. I suspect placing the word, “maybe” to be presumptive. There can’t be a human alive right now who doesn’t feel stuck in a goofy world of newness – and not a fresh, new born baby excitement kind of fresh. Each day is becoming that scratchy, skippy, record over and over where even the needle is being felt as a voodoo-ish reminder of yesterday’s sameness each time it jumps off the monotones.
We’re all here. It’s the emotional neighborhood in which we have been forced to isolate and distance from our instincts to gather together.
I didn’t realize this newness until hearing words from a social disease “expert” yesterday. With exception to most of her usual panic-laden blather, I did find one perspective rather interesting. She made an overall comparison of this pandemic to 9-11, Ebola, and Aids with regard to scope, effect, and response. I perked up and listened with both years while setting my popcorn aside.
… And I paraphrase: “This pandemic, unlike all others mentioned, has affected every single person on the planet. Every. Single. One.”
She’s right, y’know? The physical damage inflicted on 9-11 was rebuildable – which has been concretely proven. Three-thousand souls lost is a horrible tragedy for our country and was shared, briefly, by others around the world. Within a few short months, life continued on … for most. The stock market began to roar, folks walked about with less flag waving and patriotic duty, … normal returned as normal did as months rolled into years. The world didn’t stop much. Ebola and Aids were even less a hiccup on our path of normalcy. Yes, to some a major health crisis, a marginal social cry for justice to others.
This pandemic is a very different world experience-experiment. It is one big-old, “What in the hell is going on?” … and the reason our neighborhoods are so important to us right here … right now. The goofy-ness goo that surrounds our sneakers causing our stuck-stuckiness is WHY these little – or big – parts of our lives mean so much to us now. I say “our” due to you feeling it as well. I know you do.
This is Hollidaysburg, PA. My hometown. The overlook picture is Chimney Rocks. I snapped this picture during a quick walking pass-by on Memorial Day after a pleasant little picnic outing. The turkey sub I ate was, eh, so-so. The usual most-excellent places were closed and lack of proper planning landed my unprepared self at the local grocery store for a pre-wrapped hoagie. Meh.
Food aside, the day wasn’t about jamming high sodium lunch meat into my always moving mouth, anyway. Glad I had the hour to stop – in my hometown – to breath. Something this pandemic, ironically enough, doesn’t give us time to do.
This has become a respiratory, infectious virus that has not only taken over the lungs of, sadly, now 100,000 American lives and many others around the world, but also has conquered the consciousness of every single human being on the planet. To the “expert’s” point … she was dead center on target.
My hometown was a welcome relief this past Monday. I’ve seen her hundreds – if not thousands – of times from the inside out. That vista from Chimney Rocks is a popular look-out I used to scurry about as a youngster many, many years ago. It wasn’t developed as a park and slightly more dangerous to navigate in polyester pants and reeboks. But, hey, I survived it. No Samsung cell phone, bills, working, driving, or shopping, … or Covid-19. Just me, my friends, and my hometown.
If you’re not close to your hometown, go to a local park to sit and remember something about where you were growing up … something positive about life. Something fun. A vista or overlook that takes your mind off this stupid virus for a minute or two. Actually living in your hometown? Go somewhere you love … and do the same thing. A bench. A tree. A porch. A park. Somewhere you can be you for a few minutes.
This will always be their purpose. Places to revisit when the world is upside down with issues, pandemics, and “unfamiliars” we simply don’t understand. They have familiarity no other place can offer weary souls and tired eyes.
I speak for me when I say, “This is Hollidaysburg’s purpose in my life. She has problems, but when we are quiet and respect each other …there’s a way through any of life’s challenges.”
Find your hometown again.
Mom – Of and After All
Monday is the day of … and the day after.
This is the eighth anniversary year of mom’s passing – and the Monday after the weekend when celebration, remembrance and dinner pictures find their way on Facebook walls.
Today isn’t the end of a mid-late winter weekend when my mom died. I held her hand during an earlier, colder, hospice-sterile, emotionally filled room almost ten years ago. It wasn’t Mother’s Day weekend, but it was a day with my mother. My last day with her.
During the final moments, she turned to me and said, “Don’t watch me die.” … I know why. Her care and concern for my future emotional well-being was above her own cares and needs. She didn’t want me to carry upon my shoulders the vision of losing my best connection to silly, wonderful, and hope. Her last testament breath, although faint and whispy, filled the room with love only a mom could provide.
That was her final moment of being my mom. Then … she was gone. I was to have no more Mother’s Days with her. No more pinochle games, Trivial Pursuit conflicts, or conversations about nothings.
A simple day it was when sadness flowed as tears. I held no judgment toward anyone or any God as my mom’s stillness was unlike anything I’d witnessed before.
It was a sadness I never forgot. Every Mother’s Day, she is remembered as if I am still in the elevator after that moment frozen in time. Leaving mom – alone – in her 14th floor palliative care room. Descending into an unknown future was a vacuous ugliness without one of my greatest supporters in life … my “go to” when life sucked, or my Doug hug at an absolute needed moment. The no-mom abyss we – who embrace our moms – are stuck in when they die.
From that moment forward, my hours have been different. My one-parent reality is incompatible with what I knew during the first five decades of my life. Dad is great, mind you. I’m not complaining about the growth we’ve experienced together as father-son. A relationship both of us needed to work on, badly, and have done a yeoman’s work to get where we are today. Against that background, one could make the case mom’s passing had an impact greater than what I saw at the time.
Whatever gains are made in my life, I cannot – nor do I want to – ever forget her. After all, she’s my mom.
The best I can do is offer these words I wrote last Mother’s Day weekend. They are for her … and, most likely, serve a greater cause: for me. I need to hear them again.
“Obvious limits can’t make me a mom. Apart from gender parts and pieces, there’s a higher level of understanding required I don’t have. Notably, nine months of discomfort, hours (possibly days) of labor, and childbirth.
Those are reserved for the strongest among us – mothers.
I had one of them. She’s not here anymore.
This is a weekend to honor her strength. Time set aside to sit beside a piano to relive seeing her play with that Mozart-ian crooked, genius smile. Remembering moments of pinochle when we laughed more at ourselves than the game. Hours to recall her struggle…her strength.
Years gone by with her lasting impressions on my heart – without a hint of ever thinking she’s actually by my side…as I was with her drawing the final breath.
I don’t know where her spirit is now. Recent reality teaches me she’s gone. For good.
I exited the hospital as she exited our lives over seven years ago.
Of all those impacted by her passing, my life has changed in the most meaningful ways. No sibling, or my dad, has changed. Not to say one better, one worse….just is.
This change is to her credit.
I switch out the fruit – frequently as it seems – in life’s basket she handed over to me. The apple of faith has been eaten to the core. Sweet smiles from orange peels are a distant memory. Bananas are only moments away from becoming bread and the strawberries for pie are past their usefulness.
I can’t handle the fruit. She wanted me to continue forward tasting the good fruit in life …. and that’s ok. I can’t. Not right now.
What I CAN do is empty the basket of fruit, fill it with the earth, and plant seeds for the future. Flower seeds.
Rich, colorful hues of roses, peace lilies, sunflowers, and violets. Through these, my eyes can taste the beauty of my mom. My hands can water and till the soil – doing the dirty work – to make my mom alive again.
She was the strongest among us. She’s not here anymore.
I miss her.
I miss her strength.
I miss, most of all, telling her I am strong as well…and seeing her nod in approval of me.
She, alone, was capable of that once-in-a-lifetime connection with her “Stanley” which has never, ever forgotten his “Ollie”.
Yep, that’s her….and this is her weekend.
My basket of memories is full. The other basket is sown with seeds of hope, joy, peace, contentment, health, and happiness.
As those flowers bloom, I will see her again.
I had one of those moms. The best for me.
I shall hold a small flower as if I am hugging her once more. The flower will nod in approval testifying to the strength I cannot possess, …. and to the love she gives me.
A love only a mom like her can give.
Pushing me to be the best version of her I can be.
….and that’s perfectly amazing.”
Today is the day of … and the day after. I wouldn’t have it any other way, except to have mom by my side once again.
You Guys Were All Wright, Brothers
This is undoubtedly one of the top ten iconic images of the last century. December 17, 1903, 4 mi (6 km) south of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Wilbur flew their plane for 59 seconds, at 852 feet, an extraordinary achievement for the era. John Thomas Daniels, the photographer, froze the moments in time for us. Orville, although not with his brother in the plane, had to feel the same rush of wind as the flight took off that December day. Aviation changed … forever. Time stood on solid ground no more. Two bicycle guys changing the world.
Pilot ourselves one-hundred seventeen years into the future, we’re at another desolate Kill Devil Hills – the actual location where things were made Wright. This time, however, the whole world is watching through a lens of millions – not just one.
Instant access and immediate feedback are the black and white images of the day set in blips and dots. We are not celebrating – with hats in hands – while our brothers and sisters take flight in a plane truth. Our stand-by reality is very stark, unreal, … quite plain … as different versions of what is true perform acrobatic aerials in the sky above us. Exhausting messages of false hope or inexact models, these sky-floaters bounce on clouds of 24/7 news cycles two bicycle guys never saw a century ago. Ironically, only a few short years before the last pandemic sat on droplets of the very air lifting their plane off the ground that wonderful, hazy, tearful, most likely heart-happy day.
What was Wright is now all eerily similar. “In this time of COVID-19, it feels like we are building a plane while we are flying it”, as so eloquently penned by our local Lutheran Bishop in the most recent newsletter. I find Bishop Rhyne’s words walking upon the wings of a timely narrative. Although his frame is clearly around a god narrative, not a double-layer fabric with twin pusher propellers and a sticks, the message is a kindred spirit: Hope.
Hope that, somehow, what is invisible can be conquered through means we have yet to understand.
Hope that someone will emerge with leadership we can, collectively, trust to lift our eyes off the horizon.
Hope that somewhere a small workshop of ideas is churning out medical, economical, and biological solutions to a pandemic.
This is certainly not an inclusive list. Walk into any community or home and this list could be multiplied by tens or hundreds. Those of us who isolate and mask know of uncertainty and reach out beyond ourselves … looking for our plateau upon which to set our plane free. We want to navigate a destiny and chart a path forward, but need guidance through the fog of information pushing down on the field we find ourselves standing 6-feet apart from one another. And, we wait …
Orville and Wilbur aren’t around to save us this time. It’s up to us to revolutionize, innovate, and find a way through … together. I’m not so sure we can do this, but I’m not giving up hope.
I have no assurances national umbrellas are the dry-land lighthouse in the midst of this storm. The pilots of the Washington pandemic-plane can’t make up their minds to save their own sneezes and erratic paths through Nimbostrati on a daily – if not hourly – basis are laughable anymore. News media can’t cover their owns a**es half the time, let alone the real numbers of corona deaths vs “assumed”, vs what they “need” to report. FOX news and MSNBC could look at me and one say, “Man”, the other, “pencil”. Yes, a slight exaggeration, but the fact I’m a resident of Pencil-vania doesn’t make this too far an overstatement.
I’ve often said, “I don’t know if this is a thing“. It’s one of my favorite expressions of the day. I’ll stand by its side with you as we watch everything unfold before us. We can hope together, right? We can decide what to do … one small decision at a time. Together.
I’m pretty sure two bicycle builders did the same thing a long time ago. No mass media telling them what to do – how to think. No politicians around demanding a piece of glory. They did what they knew, what their gut told them to do: Their idea took flight … and changed the world forever!
Hats off, again, to Orville and Wilbur. We are forever in debt to your genius. To your hope in us.
Who Said The Sky Is Falling?
It wasn’t quite my plan. Last night, raindrops spattered on my windshield as I pulled into the local Sam’s club. For the first time in a few days, there was no need to stand six-feet apart from other smooshers waiting to get in this, now, limited-capacity box store of limited-items. The time was later and I was in need of a few items. Just a small amount of things. Mask in hand, briefly, then over my tired face as I entered to be counted among the non-masses for this hazy, misting, overcast Tuesday late afternoon. I was lazily clicked in as #28 on the little black box by a very courteous member service representative who, by all accounts, was eager to be done with her shift. She and I nodded silently in agreement … a very obvious simpatico co-survivor of whatever this is.
Carts are funny things. They yearn to be. Reach-outs I cannot ignore even when only requiring a few items of hand-full ease. I found myself winding through empty aisles – darting around space, not elbows and kids – for the rarest of experiences. Just the two of us attached by a sole metal, sanitized bar wiggling our way toward the back freezer where I knew a small number of goodies had to be waiting for my perusal. It was on that path toward sure success where I noticed the stakes had been raised higher than they were days before … even hours before.
Shall I dare say, the steaks were …
… The only packages left in the case – and the high pricey ones at that.
Meat me half-way here. Again, as I wrote a few days ago, it is the fact-feeling paradigm / media driven emptiness of shelves we face head-on every time. Can we say together, “How now, ground cow?”
Here’s how: Henny Penny never said the sky’s the limit, did she? But, there’s now a limit on beef – after the cooler’s been emptied of 75/25, 80/20, 90/10, and 92/8. Ground to a halt is the U.S. supply of beef, apparently, because slaughter houses, large packaging facilities and suppliers are covid-19 depleted of workers. One-fifth of Wendy’s restaurants, according to recent reports, are now out of meat – thus fulfilling the “Where’s the BEEF!” prophesy waiting years in the hopper. McDonald’s should be ok because, well … never mind.
Local butchers are ok from what I gather. Smaller stores are carrying some limited supplies of beef, I guess. Haven’t been out much since last night to investigate. Not surprised to see the bigger, “mass gathering chambers exempt while mom-and-pops had to close” stores have empty, bare shelves of the items being hyped as the next-best, eer worst thing to hit the endangered list. T.P, water, clorox wipes, uhm … paper towels, milk, eggs, gas, whatever. Now, meat. Masses hear, follow, gather, buy … feel good.
I’m not claiming this virus isn’t a thing. Never have. My travels though the store last night took me past the vitamin/health care aisles where I spied powdery goodness I haven’t seen in a while. Caution is still a thing. Masking is still important. Social distancing should always be the responsible 6-step in the right direction. Immune add-ons I like to use every day that have been hard to find jumped into my sight. Amazon lists these little packs “iffy” in stock, so when I plucked three boxes out of six off the shelf, my inner self-congratulatory dial went a-spinning. With those and my freezer pals I found with ease moments before, heading to the self-checkout was seconds away.
Easy, right? Customer #28 was I. Well, for a moment or two. I was soon to be inmate #28.
My complaint may, or may not, be warrant-ed. We’ll ask the judge at my arraignment provided I can get a good attorney during this quarantine. Limits on ground beef. Sure, I get that. Glad to see y’all got yours. There was a clear and present sign over the empty 38 1/2-degree cooler 50 paces to my right at the time. Limits on the Immune packets? Uhm, .. well … I didn’t see a sign. Do I understand the need for a limit on the powder? Yeppers! … Powder-purchase-prevention-precautions are quite necessary during these scary times. After all, some may quadruple the price and sell them on the black market, or actually want to keep their family of eight healthy for a month. Yeah, a bit sarcastic there, but I was greedy-giddy last night and wanted mine!! ALL MINE … (I did leave three back for others. That counts for something, right?)
After bells, whistles, error messages, virtual register hand-cuffs, and some very nice assistance from masked associates, the matter was resolved with my surrendering of two boxes. Tears flowed from my eyes. It was a scene from my hands version of Grippley’s believe it, … or not. My feisty fingers not wanting to release the two golden boxes, I finally surrendered to reason. My reason? It was getting late, the rain was most likely still plopping down, and I was anxious to get home.
Hysteria held my heart for a few brief moments. I understand that space and the dichotomy of a brain wanting more, but needing less. In fifteen minutes’ time, I met Mr. Hypocrisy head-on. Hugging more than my fair share of one thing while shaking hands with unjustified righteousness. Strangely throwing the meat-hoarders under an oncoming media-driven bus to – only minutes later – taking my seat, asking for immunity … rather, counting my immunity packets.
Examination of self far exceeded expectations I had going into the evening. All I wanted to do was pick up a few items. Glad I had the time to see myself in an empty cooler and meat myself half-way.
Still think the news drives this packed bus too much toward a cliff we see coming – but choose to ignore. Sensible, clear-thinking, reasonable adulting needs to rule the day. I also can consider we live in a country where 330+ million ideas, values, and beliefs roam free in the lives of pretty awesome folks who are doing the best they can when the stakes are high and the price we pay for steaks will keep rising as well.
I was customer #28 and I’m darn proud to be with you as a fellow American – and world earth-breather – doing my thing. Good or bad, we’re all here. That counts for something. If all of us raise our hands together to be counted, we can keep the sky from falling down on us. Sounds like a plan to me.
Light-Hearted Reading
We need to reconsider the phrase, “light-hearted” once more . Seriously. Reintroduce this twelve letter duo again in our meditations over bowls of fresh fruit and granola instead of grinding into the daily news so much. This would ease our societal anxieties a bit, I feel.
It is only a feeling, however, and I am a bit hesitant injecting feelings into the current body-politic these days. Nerves are shot.
Six weeks ago it began. Everyone listened. Nobody knew. The time was … still.
Today, feelings are different. Long arms of state government, to some, have over-reached. Loudly stomping feet with mandates are exhaustingly quiet. They came … a-marching into homes and businesses with proclamatory trumpets blaring, “We must … for all” and are now a fading echo. That parade is now going down the street of soon-to-be reopened businesses who’s proprietors are tired of the noise. They are worn down, near bankruptcy, and too many times have shuffled through the emotional deck of cards handed to them by over-promising, stimulus carrot, stick hangers.
Yes, the body-politic is wearing out. We are as well. Our body is designed to take only so much. After 76 ½ years or so, it’s bye-bye for most of us, right? Not to be gloomy here, but isn’t that what we’re told over and over? Average life spans: actuary tables predicting our years here on this spinney rock until the eternal sucking sound calls us away.
Now we’re on this merry-go-round – daily horsey, “possibly catch the COVID-19 ring” carnival ride. Are we, or aren’t we, a-symptomatic carriers ..? Is there a premature end to our trip around the sun in our near future? What are the real numbers and data? Who is telling the truth and why is Bill Gates so important, anyway?
Just asking the questions here. Which is why “light-hearted” must be seriously considered. We cannot live like this. We won’t survive it. Heck, if the past 45 days is any guide, we’re alone in the jungle of ideas. Mumbo-Java Jim scooted off the path days ago, leaving us to navigate our way around these muddy footprints left by those ahead who left mere bread crumbs of misinformation and ever-changing ugly models we can’t stand to look at, anyway.
Time to put our fist down and declare today as “No Heavy Heart Day!” … We have this fist-sized little 10-12 ounce muscle pumping 3 billion times in an average lifetime to keep us moving. For the average American, that’s about one-third % of his/her weight. We have 1.5 gallons of blood circulating through this precious muscle as well … that’s roughly 12 lbs., or 7% of our average weight. Weight!,..There’s more!!… Not really. I just like the pun.
We have a light heart, so why not be light-hearted? It’s so important to our life – having this little less-than-a-pound, really important partner inside working 60-80 times every minute, every day … so we can pound away at our supposed important tasks.
Political, social, environmental, economical, health, familial, religious, medial causes … are all salient in our minds – and should be. Never should we dismiss or set aside what call us to action. It is important to be a warrior for the injustices we recognize.
Times are-a changing so I propose – over my now soggy bowl of cheerios – to recommit a few daily, masked, anxiety-laden “What if I am a carrier?”, or, “These mandates are driving me nuts!” to … “light-hearted”, “I’m ok” moments. Every moment of every awake day can’t be under stress during this ever-changing, less-than informational, 24 hours bombardment of news we really don’t need. All of us are ridiculously burdened with our own over-saturated lives. Our hearts are full. Our little pumpers are doing the best they can.
Laugh at the goofy squirrel in the yard. Go chase a bunny. I don’t know. Whatever seems silly to you. I have a Ty bird called KuKu I talk to. Don’t judge me. Just because he talks to me doesn’t mean I’m crazy … if it continues long-term, I’ll consider professional help. For now, though, he keeps me light-hearted a few minutes each morning. I’ll take it.
