Twenty-one, Or So

“I have plenty of stuff here that can be used. Whenever you have time to look at it. No big rush”.

Another message. Another twenty-one, or so, words gratefully left on my voicemail Friday. I don’t interpret these words to mean anything other than dad reaching out for verbal companionship – for a connection. Words, themselves, don’t really matter.

(As aside here, I didn’t really listen to him – or anyone – as a teenager, anyway, …. but let’s not let that get in the way here. 😃)

These words don’t matter. His intention does. His need for a momentary connection to his son – even if it was in a thirty-second voicemail – counts a lot in his life. And mine. I want him to hear my voice … in person, or recorded. He needs this.

As I’ve written before, it’s difficult for me to answer most times. Life is, well, busy. None of us who are on the forefront of caregiving can set aside our schedules. We want to, but can’t. Even if I had all the time and money available at my over-extended fingertips, it wouldn’t be healthy to commit 100%, anyway. The emotional balancing act in which we engage is challenging. Rewarding, yes. Tiring, yes.

Following each call – answered or voicemail – I do try to see him within the next twelve hours +/-. Not always possible, of course. A good percentage of time my schedule allows it – which leaves a small “bad” percentage.

Thus, that message Friday, sadly. It’s Sunday morning and I felt the “no big rush” empty hours creep into my life last night. Before Saturday’s church service, an unsettled hush occupied my mind. An urgency to see dad without the time to follow-up took the place of prelude preparation and sanctuary service. Granted, this was over an hour before because I arrive early to help open the church. Yet, this didn’t lessen the malaise I felt…

… Initially. I write, “Initially”, because within five minutes of entering through our side doors, my ears caught a very familiar voice coming from our fellowship hall. An elderly, tenor male voice echoing around our large gathering hall was easily recognized as one of Zion’s recently retired clergy. Sitting as a dedicated grandfather … dutifully watching over playful grandchildren was his job at that moment. Neither of us realized another task was at hand.

A casual, “Hello, usually nobody is here …”, turned into much needed twenty-one, or so, minutes gratefully exchanged between old friends as I was the organist/pianist during his long and rewarding tenure at Zion.

“It was nice to see your dad last weekend in church”, began this wonderful conversation between friends. An observation warranted because Pastor Scott attends regularly with his family.

“Yeah. I felt it was a good idea to bring him to late service … and then see if he had enough energy to go to our church picnic afterwards.”

A larger door opened at that point. Not one to the church. One to my conversational soul. One that isn’t opened very often, surprisingly. (Although, I do talk to others on occasion including the current pastor, secretary, and a few good friends).

So many ask about dad – how he’s doing. The, “what’s going on with him?” umbrella-in-passing kinda query. I don’t mind, but a quick, “he’s fine” seems to satisfy questioners as they move on with their lives. I get it. I don’t hold anything against anyone. Lives move and gears grind in the engines of every one’s schedules, families, and jobs.

There was something different with Pastor Scott’s words. Granted, he’s a pastor. With that comes a certain expectation of compassion. This wasn’t it. It was just a normal guy – a good friend sincerely asking about my dad.

… so we talked and laughed. Life as it is in this net of dad’s dementia. No advice given. “It must be difficult for your dad to manage what’s going on inside his brain”. “I think it is?”, was my hesitant reply as I am not sure what path ideas take inside a person’s brain who has dementia. As someone who knows dad, he continued, “I guess he feels comfortable in his own way and is, at least, trying to manage”.

“Yes, he is”, I candidly replied.

This comforting dialog continued for another twenty minutes. Life between a dad and son through the consoling and sympathetic casually dressed clerical collar of a retired pastor. Benevolent brotherhood at it’s best. I could only image dad sitting off in the near distance nodding in agreement as friendly phrases graced my ears. Almost like dad was saying, “It’s ok. No big rush. Believe me. No big rush”, through the words Pastor Scott was speaking.

I didn’t expect to be playing my prelude last night with light-heartedness when arriving over an hour prior. That time with Pastor Scott provided an unexpected education. This journey with dad isn’t about one-way messages on an answering machine. It’s not even only two-way conversations when I am actually able to answer the phone, or take dad somewhere for a treat.

We can bring others into the conversation to help more often. To untangle the net. To help straighten out the bent thoughts and crooked, confusing conversations between a caregiver and “patient”…

It IS an opportunity to allow myself, and others going through this, to be brave enough to ask for specific help – to open up for conversation. Allow follow-ups when the, “What’s going on with your dad?”, questions appear unexpectedly. “Do you have a minute to talk?… I have a few concerns.”, wouldn’t be a bad thing once in a while if the timing is appropriate.

Who knows? Laughter and meaningful dialog may happen?

After nearly three times twenty-one, or so years of my life, it’s still hard not to do everything myself. If this journey with dad is teaching me one thing, stopping to learn, laugh, and listen to another person is a good thing.

Dad would be happy to know I am learning this lesson, finally.

Baseball Fireworks with Dad

Could be Anywhere, U.S.A. However, this was in Altoona, Pa at a minor league baseball game. Our “Curve” ran the bases five times more than the Binghamton Ponies, so that’s a win by any measure. Fireworks – combined with a “wrestling” theme ticket stamp (that never materialized into anything) – and perfect weather swung the evening’s five hour carve-out of life without an error.

Yes, a minor league game, but a major win for fun, relaxation, and connection … to dad.

He and I weren’t the typical dad/son baseball team. I didn’t enjoy the usual, “get-out there and do it, son”, kind of encouragements most young boys got. Music was my juice, not sports. One miraculous diving catch from a half-asleep pre-teen who went on to a hit-less career in little league did not produce any proud dad moments. Gladly did I hand in my uniform and cleats after my team won the local championship with no help from a useless bat so unproductively, and awkwardly, swung from the ends of my sportily unrhythmic arms. Piano, yes. Getting to first base, no.

So, sitting with dad at a semi-professional baseball game wasn’t going to re-live any remember moments between us. Frankly, I doubt either one of us, to this day, would know how to fill in a score sheet or analyze a game beyond the usual “ground rule double” or “balk rule”. He was a wrestling coach, primarily, focused on grunts and sweats in closed, hot, winter season practice rooms – not open, fresh air sports like baseball. My first – and only – mitt came via a great-uncle, not dad. See, we just don’t have that traditional baseball dad-son thing going on here.

What we did have Sunday evening, though, was time. Time to spend together … forty-five years of life experiences after a son stood ankle deep in outfield weeds praying a baseball didn’t arcfully whiz up in his direction. Decades after a dad was frustratingly finding ways to supplement a measley teacher’s salary, we sat,… together.

I understand, now, my age. In baseball years, I’m older than my dad was when he insisted it was better to look at the ball in order to hit it. Pick your methodology, “blind squirrel” theory, I believed was the best approach at the time. Even a tightly closed, shuttering little man at the plate was hopeful one blind swing at the right time – combined with that perfect pitch – would manufacture a hit. Alas, not to be.

I do believe this may be the regret on dad’s face in the above picture. He may be having flashbacks. Either that, or handing over a twenty-spot and getting no change back for one burger, a dip of ice cream, and a lemonade may be stinging his financial consciousness. Hey, he offered, and nobody says, “no” to a dad who wants to pony up for goodies at the ballpark. After all, the tickets were complimentary – and quite a nice surprise along the bottom tier behind our home team dugout. So, there was no problem giving him the pleasure of paying for a delicious $10.50 Curve burger w/jalapeno cheese, ketchup, mayo, and tomato. Don’t know about the ice cream and lemonade … suppose they were fine, too.

We talked over the usual words he’s familiar with – long hair under hats and too-high salaries. 2021 fashion and cell phone usage among the visitors at the ball-park was an occasional attention radar blip as is almost always the case in public when dad and I go out. The what’s and how’s don’t mean much to dad. He’s not so much fascinated or intrigued by life as I am. His contentment is in routine, stability, and helping others. At his age, these are the good ole’ reliables, I suppose.

And so, we watched the final out together then waited for the fireworks. The announcer began a ten-digit countdown with three-thousand remaining loyal waiters sitting, standing, and reclining so patiently within the comforting park … Ten, nine, eight …

I sat back behind dad. A few spritzes, little sparkles, and all different colors of artificial stars lit up a clear black sky for fifteen minutes.

The finale wasn’t your big city, New York, kind-of million dollar bang, for sure. We’re a little city. This was a “wrestling” theme ticket night with nary a Hulkster or hint of what they meant in sight. At least fireworks were advertised and delivered. The last of the bangers didn’t disappoint me, but not for the reason you’d expect.

That first picture sums up a lot of what baseball, and life, with dad means to me. It’s the end of something wonderful even though most of it wasn’t that impressive.

Most of our life together was, well, hitless. No need for details. It’s just enough to say music, sports, personalities, etc … didn’t run the bases together very well.

That was then, as they say.

We’ve come through the relational minor leagues together and have been on the same team for some time now. Up and downs? Sure. Disagreements and missed calls at home plate? Absolutely!! We are currently two very independent, strong-willed men who aren’t afraid to speak our minds when necessary … and sometimes when not.

This is all part of the experience. I watched dad watch the finale. At a baseball game we were. Both of us living weird, different life experiences now – neither thinking, a few years ago, we’d be inside our individual situations. Thing is, we are where we are together, too. This is, simply, a nice place to be.

We can’t choose some life things, right? I didn’t choose my inability to connect a bat to a ball, nor do I think I had a hand in playing simple Chopin at the age of six. Dad didn’t choose his personality or later-in-life challenges. We chose to go to a ballgame Sunday evening. The tickets were complimentary and the food was deliciously expensive, of course. His dime, so extra-good as far as I was concerned.

A special evening to think about what was – and to watch dad watch a finale in a place that wasn’t Anywhere, U.S.A. It was home base for a dad and a son.