Life – All at Once

“I want to open my body, reach in, and hold my heart.
Just one time
Feel the warmth like a campfire on a cool, crisp evening.
Just one time….
….to experience s’more of that inner glow from sparks sitting around with me.
Just one time
To re-ember my happy life and watch the small lights lift into the night sky one by one.
Just one time
Fall into the marsh – mellow out, relax. Melt. Drip into the arms of log I sit upon.
Just one time.

With my heart on my flannel sleeve.”

That was then. A slow burn. Male depression. An unrecognized b-light.
Bleak, bitter cold. Sadness, regret, pain, hurt, tears and unknown … tossed into the campfire. These memories – and everything my held heart felt – kindred kindling for generations to come. Others will visit. Others will see.

It is no longer just one time. I thought it was, but the path was not to take alone.

In the shadows of each flicker was a friend … and, some damn great friends. In their own experiences, bringing joy to light.

Behind each tree was a spirit of hope. I swung on each branch as a child would on a gleeful summer day… massaging the universe for a miracle.

Along the trail was a counselor willing to listen, guide, and teach. From such knowledge comes humility in self.

Waiting in the smoky residue were the hands of my mother – reaching out. I needed her grace.

At the end, just one time was not my fall.

It was the rise of a new Phoenix out of the ashes.

I held my heart.

I reached my campsite, looked into the fire, felt the intense heat, and walked away. That one time.

And I’m glad I did.

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